Groutgate 2012: before and after sample! Jealous? Here’s a step-by-step:
1) Make sure former homeowners are geniuses who think white tile and untreated white grout are a GREAT idea for a kitchen floor.
2) Compile a new cleaning playlist, heavy on the Ludacris and Nicki Minaj.
3) Scrub the shit out of the narsty gray grout with Soft Scrub and a grout brush. Let sit half an hour.
4) Thoroughly wipe away Soft Scrub residue with a wet sponge. Your grout should now be a much less offensive shade of gray.
5) Hit replay on Super Bass.
6) Clean area with a steam mop.
7) Strap on a respirator and some rubber gloves, and stick a box fan backward in the nearest window.
8) The instructions on the back of your Homax™ combination grout whitener and sealer will repeatedly reference an applicator tip, which will NOT be included in its box. Find a foam brush instead. Apply the grout sealer like paint, being semi-tidy about it.
9) Let the grout sealer sit for 2–3 hours, while you drink 2–3 beers and watch reality shows about hoarding, feeling extremely self-satisfied, because YOU ARE THE MASTER OF YOUR GROUT, MOTHERFUCKERS! and possibly high on Homax™ fumes.
10) With a damp cloth, wipe the dried sealer from the tile, avoiding the groutline as much as possible.
11) Gloat, ideally over another beer and/or episode of Hoarders.